Before I got pregnant, I knew that I would definitely be so thrilled to welcome either gender into this world the next go-around. I prayed for a next go-around. I also prayed that what ever it was that he or she would be healthy and could come home with us from the hospital and fill our home with so much joy and everything else that comes with becoming a parent for the second "first" time.
For a while during the "trying stage" and into the first several weeks into this pregnancy I felt that if I could have a girl, I would be able to "keep them separate." If that even makes sense! I literally felt a little guilt thinking about having a boy. I felt like it possibly would be easier for me to be "more sad" about the fact that I did indeed lose my first special boy. Like if having a girl would not make me think about my loss as much. Ugh wrong!
You see the truth is, I think about him every day. I think about how I know at some point in this new babies life that I will wonder "what Bode would have been like," or "when would he have taken those first steps," as his little baby brother is moving through those big milestones. I really truly don't believe there will be a day that will go by in my entire lifetime, that I do not at some point in each day think of my sweet angel in heaven, even if for just a moment.
Just the other day, I was walking through my local Home Goods just "window shopping," and noticed a mama with her 3 small handsome boys all holding hands walking through the store. You can imagine the moment of sheer sadness that came over me. I tend to tear up easily when I see beautiful bonds like this. I am a little emotional that our new little man won't be able to grow up with his older brother in this life here on earth, but I sure am truly grateful to teach him about the fact that he does in fact have a personal angel and big brother always watching over him. Not to mention, get to see him again one day.
My husband and I really couldn't be more happy and are in love with this new little man growing inside me. So much we already call my bump by name. The name he will go by. We anticipated a little boy coming into our lives the last time, so in my mind we have had BOY everything on our minds for a while now. I know in my heart that this new baby boy will fill our lives with so much joy and will not for a second "replace," our angel baby Bode. Because every child is irreplaceable. Every child is so uniquely special in their own way and I am so grateful that we get to love them BOTH individually and differently. I feel extremely grateful to have the opportunity of being a mama to two boys. Well 3 including Murphy. (our puppy)
"And she loved her boys so very much!"
Thank you again and always for all the love.
xoxo Jamie B.