Yes. I felt and still deal with all these feelings; somedays more than others and a lot less now then I did almost 8 months ago. I am going to be real, raw and honest when I say, one thing that I have felt stressed and guilty for is that my body did not make it through a "full-term" pregnancy. I remember early on after the loss of Bode, that I felt especially angry. Angry that I have always been what I believed a healthy person and for the most part of my perfectly easy pregnancy took pretty good care of myself physically. It seems crazy that I would be upset at myself and my body for something like this. Because the truth is there is nothing I could have done to prevent it from happening. I imagine I am not the only mother who has felt this. I am not a broken mama. My body did not fail me. I hope I can continue to believe that. I hope others in similar situations can believe it to, because it's true.
Now, I am trying with all my might to move past that idea because I have been learning that guilt is not helpful in my healing process and it only spirals me towards negativity, more stress and even more grief. More then ever have I wanted to stay strong and guilt free as I prepare for a future pregnancy; physically, mentally and spiritually. I know these such ill emotions will not help my cause in any way. Even though it seems hard to steer clear from. Especially after a traumatic experience resulting in loss.
So for now, life continues to go on, and with each passing day I do find a little more strength because of my efforts to move forward being gentle with myself and my healing. Not to mention, being thankful for my blessings, our sweet Bode James being one of our greatest. Although this 'experience' has brought us much sadness, stress, guilt and grief (anger). As I have mentioned in past posts, our Bode has also brought us great joy in becoming a parent for the first time. He also has taught us more about true love and compassion for others. And even more so hope and bravery in the midst of grief, which forces us to keep going. Continuing to move forward, despite this devastating hardship and setback. More recently, I have finally come to grips with the fact that there is nothing I can do to change what happened, (something that I have had a difficult time with in my life with different situations) but I can choose to be strong and positive, and know that Bode will always be our angel up in heaven, guiding us along our journey until we meet again.
I know his life was very short, and to some his life may not seem significant, but he has taught us so much about how the family and dear loved ones are in deed the most important 'things' in this life. As least it is to us. Where we’ll go from here or where we'll be in a year from now, I don’t know? Sometimes it's hard to look too far into the future as I am still nervous of all the what ifs. However, I feel it's important for us to keep moving forward, no matter what! Bravely as we can be.
Hopefully someday we’ll have the complete family we’ve dreamed of having; only time will tell. But I do know that no matter what happens, Bode is and will always be a part of it. Our first born and forever loved baby.
I have recently created this printable for myself and my home. A reminder from my Bode to be brave every day. Just like he was. I hope that you will enjoy this printable for your home or space also. I feel we all need reminders to be brave. Children need to have reminders to be brave. Let us all just be brave.
5x7 and 8x10 available