Even though I hear all to often "it happened for a reason," one thing I do know is that I will always wonder. I think that is a natural humanistic thing to do.
Now through this process, my eyes have been open to great sorrow. Sorrow for our little family and for those other families that this has happened to.
Today is a stepping stone into the unknown. More than ever I think it is going to be easy looking back and wondering "what if," but I know it is time to move forward with great hope for good things to come. Knowing that our now guardian angel is watching over us each and every day.
Oh that Bode James was so sweet, beautiful, and is worth all the pain.
I must say I feel grateful to have been able to hold my very OWN baby in my arms. There are many who never or will ever get that opportunity and my heart hurts for them. I believe that our baby came for a time to teach not only me and my husband what really matters most in life, but many others as well. He came to teach us how to love without restrictions and to teach us to delight in every moment. He came to teach us that this life is only but a small moment in time and only the beginning. He came to instill in us a longing for heaven. A place where we will get to be with him, raise him, kiss his sweet button nose and drool over all of his cuteness.
Whilst his short lived earthly life is over, I have faith that this is not the end for us. Thanking my lucky stars and God that this is in deed not the end. Even though it isn't easy with the idea that "he was just too perfect" and "you will get to have him in heaven," because the truth is I want him NOW! Just like many others around me get to have and raise theirs. But I am grateful that I get to have my opportunity to raising sweet Bode one day. That does comfort me in a small way and keeps me going.
Now one thing I must share is that this little baby of ours has changed my life forever. He has also touched the lives of many. If you are a grieving parent like me, you will understand what I mean when I say I want his life to be known. I want others to remember him and what matters most in life. I have personally been so proud when people have asked me about him, who say his name (because I love his name so much) and especially send him presents (balloons) to heaven. It means a lot for us to not feel alone in celebrating his life.
If you are not a grieving parent, I invite you to BRAVE the pain with those who have no choice but to do so. BRAVE the pain of your friends and family who may need a phone call or a hug just because. And most importantly BRAVE the pain for the little hearts and sweet, sweet faces who were called back to heaven so soon.
This song below has a place in my heart for Bode. Every word in it is exactly what I have thought and it expresses emotions exactly the way I feel. (Click to watch)
Not a day goes by that I do not think of Bode. I'm sure that there will not be a day in my life I do not think of him. Just like moms and dads think about their kids daily, so do we. Just because his little body isn't here doesn't mean his spirit isn't. I think that was something I feared after he passed away. That I would go on without thinking about him… I don't think it is even possible.
Now as tomorrow I will officially be out of "this" pregnancy calendar. It truly is my hope that I can keep moving forward oh so BRAVELY. Looking forward with a brightness of hope in good things to come. I know I continue to say that, but that is all I can do at this given time. Frankly, I think it's the only thing I know how to say because I am so hoping to one day hold another sweet baby of our own in my arms and love on them knowing he/she dwelt in the presence of our sweet angel Bode.
I just want to express my gratitude towards so many who continue to check in on us. It has meant the world. Please continue to reach out not only to us but to those other families who have lost babies and pregnancies. I know for sure that this is a process and it's going to take time to heal a little each day. Also I know each passing year will be a milestone: a birthday; a burial date; a due date; another year gone from us.
Those days I know it means a lot when you reach out to moms and dads who have lost a baby. I have seen it. I have talked among other families in this situation and it truly means the world to them when their baby is remembered. So thank you again for all the love.
Thank you Bode for teaching us more about love and what matters most in this life.
Much love to all. Sincerely,
Jamie, Brighton, Angel Baby Bode James & Murphy our puppy.